Top Eight Series Finales....If I were a writer

Of course I only watch Nickelodeon and Noggin, so some of you won't understand, but for those who hang around small kids, read on.....

8. Backyardigans.....

Special agents Pablo and Tyrone are tricked by Uniqua and Tasha, former KGB operatives, to accept a secret assignment. The mission: go to the frozen tundra of Siberia and find Austin, who has been missing for 3 seasons (which is true, I think). Along the way, Pablo, who is clearly the coolest and smartest of the Backyardigans, is separated from Tyrone, who is found dead at the bottom of an imaginary cliff with a crowbar in his back. The investigation reveals that Tyrone was murdered! The drama builds as Pablo now must find Austin and Tyrone's killer. Was it Uniqua who has been serving a double agent for the CIA? Perhaps it was Tasha, who has ties to the Russian mob? Or maybe it was Austin after all........In the words Horatio Cane: "Snack time...(pause)...is over!"

7. Lazytown....

Stephanie, after 35 episodes, finally moves in to Lazytown. She is new in town no longer. Her obsession with pink hair and accessories wanes as she begins listening to The Smiths and The Cure. She now prefers black and smokes a pack a day. Sportacus, after several therapy sessions, learns that he can walk from one place to another without doing back-hand springs. Ziggy realizes that there are only 3 humans in Lazytown; so if it's not Stephanie or Sportacus, then it must be Robbie Rotten, who is never to be trusted - unless of course he offers the right amount of candy, then it's cool. As it turns out, the incompetent Mayor of Lazytown has been keeping a terrible secret; he has fathered two illegitimate children from two mothers. The kids names, Sportacus and Robbie Rotten. Cue Horatio: "Those two...(pause)...are nobody's puppets!"

6. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse....

Things in Toontown have gone awry. The magic words, "Meeska Mouska Mickey Mouse", do not make the clubhouse appear. Apparently, Mickey has lost his grip on the rest of the cast as they begin to revolt and overthrow Mickey as the clubhouse leader. Pluto finally learns how to talk which leaves Boo Boo Chicken as the only pet who has yet to speak. After a close election and a long smear campaign, Pete wins as the new clubhouse president, narrowly defeating Minnie, who was looking to become the first female clubhouse president. She has since demanded a recount, by fives. Donald and Goofy go hunting as food is scarce now that the clubhouse is gone. Donald is seriously injured by an "accidental" gun shot and has lost the ability to talk, thank god. Goofy, now that Donald is out of the picture, moves in on Daisy. Horatio: "Looks like Donald could've used...(pause)...a helping hand."

5. Doodlebops....

Rooney Doodle, as if it was a secret, comes out of the closet. Deedee Doodle comforts him in a cheesy yet uplifting song, but Rooney has become depressed. Bus Driver Bob, offers to take Rooney to California where proposition 9 is passed and overturns proposition 8. Rooney is excited and leaves the band without so much as saying good bye to the others. Moe is kicked out of the band for drinking as he struggles with his inner-self. Once he realizes that he cannot dance (outside of one break dancing move) or sing or play the drums, he turned to the booze. He is never seen again. Audio Murphy marries Jazzmin and saves her from a life of prostitution and a bad array of flapper outfits. Horatio: "This Dooblebops are...(pause)...no Moe?"

4. Blue's Clues.....

Steve and Blue are not happy together. Blue begins to regress and, instead of leaving his trademark paw print as a clue, begins to go number 2 on the carpet. Steve injures his hand in a gang fight while skidoo-ing from his house to South Central. Apparently, he was wearing the wrong color sweater. Unable to draw pictures in the handy dandy notebook, he must rely on his own memory to piece the three clues together. This proves to be too much and he begins lashing out on Blue. Blue vows to leave Steve, but suffers from beaten dog syndrome, and insists that Steve beats her because he loves her. Horatio: "Looks like from now on it's going to be black...(pause)...and Blue."

3. Wonderpets.....

When we last left off, Linny and Tuck were arguing with Ming-Ming about the WWI pilot's helmet and goggles that Ming-Ming refuses to wash. The phone, the phone is ringing when Linny answers. Heavy breathing is heard on the other end when finally a deep voice asks, "do you like scary movies?" Terrified, Linny, Tuck, and Ming-Ming begin to sing what they believe to be their final operetta. Looks like the animals in trouble are themselves. Realizing that they are 4 years old, they decide against taking any action and pee themselves instead. Horatio: "This is....(pause)....serious."

2. My Friends Tigger & Pooh.....

Pooh is depressed when he finds out that his name represents all that is filthy in the world. In an interview with 60 minutes, he likens it to having the last name Hitler. He continues to pack on the lbs as his obsession with honey takes control. Tigger was last seen bouncing in the rice patties when a unexploded land mine renders his tail useless. Eeyore was secretly happy since Tigger had always flaunted his superior tail in front of him. Rabbit chokes on a piece of raw brocolli. Kids everywhere cheer as their moms have become too paranoid to serve it for dinner. Darby is forced to sleuth on her own as she realizes that she is the only competent investigator. She moves to Miami where she becomes Miami's most well known CSI. Horatio: "This is a load of....(pause)....pooh."

1. Handy Manny.....

In an effort to teach a second language to the youth, Manny begins taking English lessons. It seems to work as he musters up some courage and finally asks out Kelly (insert your own hammer/nail jokes here). She agrees if Manny can do one thing: stop teaching kids about the most useless tool ever invented, the flat-head screwdriver. Turner, the flat-head screwdriver, orders a bulk shipment of steroids online and changes his name to crowbar. However his roid rage and acne force him to live in exile. He was last seen at the bottom of a cliff in the back of a imaginary moose (see Backyardigans). Meanwhile Mr. Lopart is arrested in his candy store for pushing crack to the neighborhood kids. Disgraced, he shouts out his love for tools, in particular, Dusty the saw (ouch!). Manny, torn between his guilt over Turner and his feeling for Kelly, closes up shop. Jobless and unable to contribute anything besides a drain on American Taxpayers, Manny is deported back to Mexico. Dusty the saw, thinking she can help any situation simply because she's a woman, accidentally cuts of Manny hands when trying to remove the cuffs. Horatio: "Looks like we'll have to call him....(pause)....just Manny."